Bad dreams

I keep having night terrors lately (if they can be called that).  My personal difference between a nightmare and a night terror has to do with content in addition to severity.  I had a few nightmares as a kid that I can recall.  Even though I woke up screaming a few times, I wouldn't personally call them night TERRORS.

One example would be a very classic, abstract looking dream, if I were to paint a picture of it.  I still remember it quite clearly.  I was walking through a town, maybe at night, I'm not sure; everything was gray.  The ground was like walking on a chessboard, with large black and white tiles.  It was completely abandoned, and very spooky.  I wandered around for a while, until I entered a room to my left.  I do believe I made a shallow attempt at ballet around this age, so I think I was entering a ballet studio.  When I walked through the doors, however, the scenery changed to the center stage of a circus!!  Creepy carnival music started playing, and the spotlights all focused in front of me.  There was a big, brown bear dancing on a ball and dressed up like a clown.  That made me nervous enough, but after a moment, it rolled towards me.  Everything got darker, the bear seemed to get bigger and more vicious with each moment.  It looked full of hate and malice directed just at me.  I heard it roar a classic bear sound, as it lifted its heavy, clawed paw to snuff the life out of me.  That time I DID wake up screaming.  I was young enough to have both my parents, and they came running.  I think they both did; at least Mom did, and her room was on the opposite end of the house!  How loud was I?? xD  This dream probably explains why I'm so terrified of clowns AND bears.  (It doesn't help that I saw a documentary where a poor man's face was ripped off by one...and he SURVIVED without any serious brain damage!!  This was years after the dream, though.)

Nightmares, for me, are when scary things are out to get me.  Those alone can progress into night terrors, if I'm scared enough, but a few years ago, I learned how to battle bad dreams long before that point.  It was actually hilarious; the dream was full of slashers from movies I'd never seen, and this one jerk came at me with a chainsaw!  So, what did I do?  I grabbed my own chainsaw, and chased all the little buggers away!  I woke up laughing, that time, and feeling quite empowered~

My night terrors usually stem from more psychological concerns, not as easy to ward off.  I dream about my relationship with my parents and peers and general.  There is often a natural disaster that I can't prevent, or other things.  Some of them are probably about my feelings of helplessness and lack of control, others about how I wish my parents would love me right, or how I wish I was more appreciated.  Sometimes I dream about the consequences of being too selfish; that keeps me in check!  I'll try to speak about them to the psychiatrist at some point.

These days, the closest nightmares to become night terrors are about disturbing things; the kind of stuff you might see in Paranormal Activity, or The Conjuring, or The Ring.  The Ring scared the bejeebus out of me...I constantly thought I was going to die, for a while, and even had a minor hallucination.  I was spooked, and as I went into my room at Dad's house, I stared at the TV, hoping to be reassured just how silly I was being.  Then I saw her climbing out of the well, and said "NOPE."  I had to do a 'lights off, jump under the covers ASAP' from then on. xD

Oh no...

My last entry actually made my fiance cry.  I'm sorry!! D:  I miss her too, I didn't mean to reopen the wound...I love you, please forgive me. :( *hug*

Now for some GOOD news!

We got a cage for our rat, Justine, back when she was still just a baby.  Well, no surprise, she outgrew it!  I hated to see her struggle through the tight spaces, so my fiance ordered a new cage!  We got it in the mail today; it's a little flimsy...actually, all cages seem to be, IMHO, but I don't feel that it will fall apart.  We got it all together, and several minutes and a few cuss words later, it was ready for her! :D  I'm happy to say, she LOVES her new home!  There aren't any tunnels in this one, but she has plenty of room to climb and run around without getting stuck.  I put her water bottle on the second level, and her food on the bottom with the bedding and her exercise wheel (the bowl is heavy; if it falls on her, it could seriously hurt her).

Justine is just the smartest, sweetest rat I know!  She's not skittish, she loves giving me kisses/grooming me, she enjoys exploring within the boundaries I lay out for her, and is just darling!!  I just wish she could live longer... ;~;  All, or almost all rats suffer from respiratory problems.  It's the leading cause of fatality, as far as I know.  Often, they wheeze and cough and have a little bit of blood on their noses.  It's not contagious to humans, but it is sad to see them go before their time.  She seems to be fine, however.  I'm crossing my fingers for a miracle; just maybe she's 1/1,000,000 and beat the odds!!  It's extremely rare, but it does happen!  Either way, all I can do is love her and take care of her until she says goodbye.

We had a second rat named Danielle.  She was very sick from the beginning...she didn't last very long, and I was heartbroken when I found her dead one day a few weeks ago.  I think she was happy while she was alive, but we miss her sorely.  We buried her in our front yard that night.  Rest in peace, sweet baby.  I hope you get lots of cheese and goodies in Heaven. Someday your big sis will join you, but please let us keep her for a while longer. <3

You found WHAT in your kitchen??

As I have stated before, my fiance and I live with his parents.  His mother came to our door asking that we refill the dogs' water bowl.  It's the kind where you fill the jug, and that in turn refills the bowl for a period of time.  The way I like to do it is to unscrew the empty jug, make sure it's clean, refill it, then take the empty bowl and screw it back on before flipping it right-side-up.

Well, THIS time...we made a horrible discovery.  "Horrible" is inadequate to describe it.  There was a colony of MAGGOTS living under the thing!!!!!  I was dumbfounded!!  Sure, we've had a few problems with flies in the past; that happens when the in-laws decide to leave doors open 24/7, but to think they were coming from our precious pets' food and water area!!!  We drowned the maggots right away, and I scrubbed the bowl again and again with hot water and soap until I thought it was safe.  We found that dog food had gotten under the groove in the bowl, coupled with spilled water to create a breeding ground for mold, bacteria, and you know what else.  Apparently, the "head of the house" gets to decide WHEN we clean this mess up, but I wasn't about to put my dog (or theirs, for that matter) back in danger!  If they're going to leave the rug like that, fine.  But I moved the water to a clean spot, for now.

We're going to have to keep a sharp eye on this from now on.

Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh!! OH MY GOSH!!!

I'm a brony/pegasister--just look at my background!  When Friendship is Magic came out, I turned my nose up, thinking that art was deteriorating more and more for our younger generations.  When I heard that many adults loved the show, I had no idea why they would or wouldn't, so I just went with the general consensus that bronies were creepy and cultist (even though I had never seen the show nor spoken with a fan).

I was curious, one day, and decided to give it a shot, for old time's sake.  I always enjoyed watching kids shows for the nostalgic value; the only reason I didn't like the art was because I just knew the plot would have no substance.  Wow, was I wrong.  The two-part debut had my eyes glued to the screen, and just waiting for what was next!!  I did roll my eyes at the song in the middle, but after getting used to the show and its characters, I realized it was actually not that bad.  The first season was GLORIOUS, and the second was amazing.  It did start to falter a bit, but it didn't reach unforgivable until season three.

After Lauren Faust left, the show fell to pieces.  I have friends who still loved it every bit as much, and I'm happy for them, but my ears bled and my eyes gouged themselves out.  It disintegrated into the dust that is "enjoyable for preschoolers only", losing its "for the whole family" appeal.  My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic used to be just that: magical.  It found a way to be kid-friendly and enjoyable, while also having interesting stories to tell and fun characters.  It truly was--is a show that people of all ages should be allowed to enjoy without prejudice.

Please forgive my crude wording, but...the season finale blew.  I enjoy what it TRIED to convey, and I had been waiting MONTHS for Twilight Sparkle to...get her promotion.  I'm not the biggest fan of musicals--oh I enjoy opera and love plays/movies such as Sweeney Todd and Les Miserables, but the less singing in a kid/family show, the better.  It kills the enjoyment for me, although a song here and there can actually add to the experience.  The finale was a SINGLE episode.  And it was essentially non-stop singing.  What. the. hell.  I still love MLP, but I lost all faith in the show after that monstrosity hit the screen.  My apologies to all who enjoyed it, please don't think me an elitist or a prune.

Saving grace.  By chance, I happened to start poking around my old vectors, mainly my pony art.  I'm not the best in the field (not by a long shot), but I saw one of my simple wallpapers, and decided it needed a touch up!  In fact, it's my background on this very blog! :P  My fiance is also a brony (I had him sit down with me to watch the first episodes, and he came to the same conclusion as I...from a brony-hater to a "where have you been all my life" type thing lol), and as he watched me vector, he suggested watching some of the older eps again.  My fire was just about dead, but I finally relented today, and we watched three episodes from season one.  "Boast Busters" because he loves magic so much (I'll do a Trixie Lulamoon rant later), "Suited for Success", and "The Best Night Ever", the latter two being directly related.

A few fan-made remixes and music videos later, I found myself looking at Equestria Daily, where somepony had mentioned season four clips that aired at Comic Con!  Said clips are on youtube, supposedly, so I jumped at the chance to see them.  It's mostly storyboard stuff, very rough black and white "animation", but the voice acting was all neat and tidy.  I have to say, it looks positively AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!  My faith has officially been RESTORED!! :D  I just cannot WAIT for the new episodes to come out! *jumps up and down like a five-year-old*  This might be just what I need to keep me going for a little while longer.

Sometimes it's the simple things, right? ;)

For those who want to see awesome S4 spoilers!

Rapunzel, Rapunzel~

I've seen Disney's "Tangled" quite a few times, now.  I'm not a fan of how it caters to the lowest common denominator in some cases, but even I have to admit that it's a pretty fantastic movie, for one that was made for children.

The soundtrack is AMAZING.  If nothing else, I watch this movie, glued to the screen, just because I know if I stop to do anything else, I'll miss even part of the beautiful songs.  The characters are really well written, the humour's pretty on cue.  I'm not a huge fan of unnecessarily anthropomorphized animals in kids movies, and I pretty much hate Paskell (the chameleon), but Maximus does a pretty good job as a semi-sentient horse.  He is a little meta, at times, though.

I really appreciate how strong and independent Rapunzel 'tries' to be, despite having been brainwashed her entire life by a bitter old crone.  Having been in a similar situation (albeit less extreme by a long shot), I can hardly imagine where she found the strength to defy her captor the way she did.  She's so pure and strong and capable...you have no idea how much I envy that!!

Btw, pretty off-topic, but I had a similar hairstyle to hers (end movie) when I was 18!  It took all these years to grow it back...I'm no Rapunzel, but it's almost down to my bum again!  When I was little, it went down almost to my knees.  It hasn't been even this long in many many years.  I would love for it to be knee-length again! @_@

Thank God for Xanax

Just got home from Microcenter!  Turns out, taking my meds was probably the best thing I could've done (hur duhr, right?); I can always feel it the INSTANT it kicks in, and while it did make me a bit more drowsy, I was freaking high to boot.  Well, close enough.  Just kinda go with the flow, while still keeping all my better judgement.  So, a well rounded, fun loving individual! xD

I was jamming to whatever songs came on the radio that I knew, whether or not I really liked them.

I remembered a cool rainbow-backlit keyboard I saw there a year or so ago, and headed straight to the gaming section of the store.  Hallelujah, they had it!!! :D  The only problem is they're like...$100, and I really can't afford to spend so much money on non-essentials at the moment.  Anime Weekend Atlanta (AWA) is next weekend, though, and we have some convention money saved up.  If I don't buy anything there, then in a few weeks I can get the BJD of my dreams!!!  Tender Shall from Dream of Doll <33333

Of course, I have to keep in mind what else that money could go towards.  If I get this beautiful doll, it won't be RIGHT after AWA, anyway.  Not only do I need to save up more, but I need to see how my appointment with the psychiatrist goes.  Assuming everything goes well, I can get the keyboard after the convention and the session, and then just wait a few weeks more to order this beauty.  I just wish I could get the limited edition...she's so gorgeous!!! D:  I doubt that it'll ever come back in stock, but I did e-mail DoD just in case.  Fingers crossed!

I feel like a zombie...kinda

Omg, I'm so tiiired...  I tried to go to bed, and finally fell asleep sometime in mid-morning.  I kept waking up for no apparent reason, and finally I couldn't fall back asleep at all (around 3pm).  I'm extremely exhausted, and feel ill.  My sense of touch has been cranked up, no surprise.  I'm jumping like a startled cat at every texture, and crying like a baby.  I'm afraid to take my meds, though, because it makes me really drowsy, and I already feel like I'm gonna fall over.  We have to go to the store, too; I wonder if we'll make it before they close?  I guess I'll take my meds anyway, and hope I don't pass out 'til we get home. :P

I'm spacing out severely, now...I should probably just end the post here. *facedesk*e;.mjkjfry

Fatigue and Cravings

I stayed up all night, for some reason.  Since yesterday, my body's been more fatigued than normal.  Usually I only become faint after being in a store for 10+ minutes, but I deteriorated to that state within moments of entering a restaurant.  We were just there to pick up an order to go, but my body decided it couldn't take it.  : /

I was tired all day.  I woke up in bed thinking my fiance had come home, but I never got up to check the time.  It was probably around 1pm.  I stayed in bed, had some interesting dreams, then finally woke up when he got here, more exhausted than ever.  I must not have completed a sleep cycle, or something; not entirely sure how that works.  It was like I had already stayed up all night!  Now that I HAVE, I become dizzy just lifting my legs while still in my chair!  It's kinda freaky, but I'm sure I'll feel better after I get some rest.  My body refuses to let me go to bed, but it can stuff it.  For once, /I/ know better!

It IS telling me to eat chicken and lots of broccoli and cauliflower, which is good.  There're just way too much grease and carbs in this house.  A year ago, I wouldn't complain so much about it, but my body is rejecting it now.  I'm starting to crave healthy stuff, almost exclusively, thank God!

Maybe this is a turn for the better~

Random - Rainbows!

I guess a lot of people think of Skittles when they see rainbows, if they think of a food at all.  When I see them, I suppose I do as well for a moment, but then I immediately think: delicious M&Ms (I'm not a huge fan of "tropical" candies, but chocolate is almost always a 'yes'!)  I also think of my favorite flavors of ice cream, and all kinds of desserts, not too bland nor too rich! :D

I do like fruit flavored gummies, so when I see the colors individually, I have flavors that come to mind.

• Red is cherry
• Orange is...orange, of course!
• Yellow is lemon (yum!)
• Green is apple
• Blue is blueberry (as opposed to blue raspberry, for some reason)
• Purple is grape...my least favorite, but still tasty

It's sort of weird how I like grapes and bananas, but cannot STAND their artificial counterparts!  But seriously, they don't taste a thing alike! @_@  The colors also make me think of pleasant smells.

• Red is cinnamon
• Orange is pumpkin
• Yellow is lemon (again!)
• Green is either vanilla (oddly enough) or mint
• Blue is fresh laundry
• Purple is Indian spices or lavender

Really Poor

I, like many folks nowadays (and all-the-days, I guess), am really poor.  My lack of concentration, in part, led to my dropping out of high school in the 11th grade, too embarrassed to be held back.  For how awful my life was growing up, I was also very sheltered.  I had no skills, hardly any free will, no education...and these days, am too fatigued from stress to go to the store, let alone a job.  I moved out of my mother's house when I was 19, and in with my fiance.  My in-laws shouldn't have to take care of me, even less because they're poor also.  In fact, our families are just poor in general (at least the ones who care).

My fiance works two related jobs that he loves and who love him, but even that's not enough to support us.  Thank God we don't have to pay rent or anything like that, besides a small car payment.  My panic attacks have gotten so bad, as of late, that his primary boss decided to give him a day off during the week indefinitely just to care for me! :(

What I've been trying to lead up to with all this, is the harrowing fact that I cannot reasonably afford healthcare of any kind.  My mother was jobless until recently, and her insurance won't kick in for a while, and she doesn't know if she can put me on it because she lives in a different state.  I forget why I can't be on my father's insurance (probably because it's not the end of the year yet, or something like that).  My fiance doesn't have insurance, and his father can't put me on his either.  His mother is actually disabled due to neck and back trauma.  I am currently unable to work, and the knowledge of all this puts me into a stressful death spiral.

There is a ray of light in the darkness, however!!  There are physicians and psychiatrists that work on sliding pay scales, and we found a local woman to see me!  I just have to make it until October 2, 2013! :)  I haven't had a physical nor a dental cleaning in years now, but at the moment I feel my mental health is more important.  I FEEL disabled, but I'm not a professional nor an expert.  We'll see soon enough if this woman believes so or not.  If I am, then I need to work on getting my state ID renewed and applying for benefits, but I'm not holding my breath on that.  I'm sure I'll be able to get on my father's insurance at the end of the year, or something, then we can save up for co-pays to see all the doctors I need to patch me up! @_@

Childish

I'm sure my love for rainbows and unicorns has become painfully obvious by now.  I have a lot of time on my hands, too much in fact, so I've been able to sit down and really think about what makes me: me.  I'm no expert, but I understand this much.  My way of dealing with the metric tonnes of stress constantly bombarding me is to simply be a kid again.  I remember as a child, the things that soothed me and made me happiest were rainbows.  Red to violet, as long as they were in their proper order and balance, gave me the most joy.  I would be distracted for hours just staring at the shiny, holographic cards!  Which is saying a lot when one considers how extremely hyper I was back then.

I firmly feel my childhood was robbed from me the moment my parents divorced.  It wasn't the act itself, but everything that followed.  I suffered a lot of verbal abuse, and my trust was broken again and again until I was unable to be a whole person anymore.  My mind and body are always trying to go back and catch it up, but to no avail.  When I'm at my best, I seem like a normal adult, but that's very rare.  If I can function at all below that, I'm young again, and immature.  I try not to be a burden, but I'm vulnerable.  If it weren't for my fiance, I probably wouldn't be alive right now.  He understands me and is willing to shoulder this with me, to take care of me when I need him...even if that means all the time.  I'll finally be able to see a psychiatrist, soon.  Things will hopefully start looking up, after that.

Just a girl named Destiny

I'm just a girl named Destiny.  I live in Georgia with my fiance and his parents, which isn't nearly as bad as it sounds.  Right now I'm 23 years old, a high school drop out, and suffering extreme symptoms of depression and anxiety.  I'm also technically an artist, but my skills seem to be at a stand still right now.

I don't know how long or how often I'll post in this blog, as I've never been able to keep even a diary in the past, but we'll see how this goes. :)


(PS...I actually tried to make this blog under the wrong e-mail address earlier, how embarrassing!  Now the url is slightly different, but it shouldn't make a difference in the long run)