I don't want to slow down...

Sometimes I'm certain that the only thing holding my body together on a daily basis, is the Grace of God and my own willpower.  Yesterday, I had broccoli for breakfast.  Then I decided I wanted to go for a walk...it would have been to the park, but there's construction hogging the sidewalk.  Or, just a dude working on the power lines.  I decided that I'd stroll through the neighborhood, instead.  I crossed the turns and steep hills.  When I made it to the other road at the end, I didn't want to stop.  So I took a right, and walked the mile or two to the intersection.  I hovered around the grocery and convenient stores, sipping my water and taking a break.  I would have walked home, but my hips hurt; my right one, especially felt like it was about to pop out of its socket.

I eventually made my way over to my friends' house.  Another friend was moving back in with them~  One of my friends has a young daughter with [severe] ADHD, but I swear she is just the cutest little devil in the world! xD  Yes, she can be almost unbearingly annoying, but she has a certain charm about her.  She decided that I was her new best friend; we ran around outside, back and forth between the front and back yards...over a massive hill, mind you! @_@  We jumped around on the trampoline in the back (I made sure it could support my weight, and thankfully my friends are smart and have a net around the thing to prevent injury.  We had a lot of fun together, I really enjoyed it! :)  But, my body is frail, and I spent the day power walking "treacherous" terrain and then going on crazy adventures with a 6-year-old.  I feel pretty haphazardly glued together at the seams right now! xD

This morning, I had another bowl of broccoli.  When I was still 3/4 asleep, I wanted anything BUT to get up at all, today!  Now I'm sitting here contemplating another walk, because I'm afraid I'm going to get fatter. >_>  Ugh.

My Mom's in a lot of Trouble!!! (rant warning)

My mom lost her job a couple weeks ago, and with it my insurance.  That is the LEAST of my worries, however.  Without even getting into the fact that I'm probably on medicare/medicaid (I forget which)...

I was supposed to visit my mother so that I could watch her dogs while she went to training for work.  It kept getting put off because of ice and snow, and now that the weather is clear...she got fired right before.  It's a rough time for her (and her birthday!!!), so of COURSE I still went up to see her!! :(  Even if she didn't lose her job, it seems she's about to lose her house.  The landlord is elderly, and plans to sell the property she's on.  I don't know if that officially means she'd lose her home in the transfer, but she feels it does.

It's been a week and a day since we made the drive back to GA from NC, and I got a text from Mom.  I know it must be BAD because she told me I would have to get the dogs. :(  She's going to end up living out of her car!!!  She moved back home to be with her FAMILY, and they won't lift a finger to help her!!  She helps them ALL the time, but they give HER the cold shoulder!!  WHAT THE FUCK?????!!!!!

I don't have any resources to take care of my mother, but the LEAST I can do is take care of her dogs (which I grew up with, btw; they're old as hell..).  I just don't know what I'm going to do...she finally cut ties with her boyfriend, who's been stringing her along for months.  She called me in TEARS, absolutely SOBBING over the stupid sod because NO ONE ELSE WOULD LISTEN TO HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I'm a selfish person, I KNOW this about myself, but I actually CARE about my mother, bygones be bygones!!!!!!!

Family, WHAT THE HELL???!!!!

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BTW, her work fired her ILLEGALLY.  She's a nurse with nerve damage on her left side, which makes it painful to walk.  She works at the hospital, but she doesn't work the floor anymore.  Desk job kinda thing, teaching and helping others that way (and apparently driving off to visit patients at home!).  I've always said that no matter her faults and flaws, she is an ANGEL as a nurse!!!  It's what she's good at, and people are absolute FOOLS to EVER let her go!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Anyway, gushing aside...because of the horrible pain in her leg, she has a handicap tag to let her park in handicap spaces.  She uses the one in front of the building she works at, because DOH.

The security guard at her job has been fussing at her about it for several weeks, if not longer.  Why?  Because APPARENTLY the handicap spaces in front of her building are for PATIENTS.  So they want her to park in a handicap spot at another building, and walk there.  Are they retarded??  Legit question.  I would KIND OF understand their point of view, if not for one crucial fact: PATIENTS DON'T GO TO HER BUILDING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She told him, one day, that he was  being illegal, he DGAF.  She told her boss about the situation the next day, and 30min later she was fired.  "You've missed too many days of work", they lied.  All of her days were approved or could not be helped.  When she couldn't get to work because of ice and snow, she worked from home.  WORKED from home, not LOUNGED ABOUT LAZILY.

ILLEGAL BASTARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I want her to pursue legal action, but she won't.  I want her to get on Social Security already, but she's so emotionally drained, it's difficult for her.  I'm so worried I can't think straight!!! Q~Q

I GOT APPROVED!!!! Wait...how much??

I got a phone call from the Social Security office the other day!!  My mom-in-law woke me up and handed me the phone.  I was fully, albeit sadly, prepared for her to say that I was not approved.  She asked me a bunch of questions, I answered them honestly, then she was like "Alright!  You'll get your first cheque at such-and-such date!"

My face: O_O *half asleep, and just happy to be getting paid ANYTHING*

I can't remember the EXACT amount I'm getting monthly, and therefor I can't remember the EXACT amount for the backpay I'm getting (holy crap, I'm getting backpay because I applied in January ;~; <3), but it's actually not that much.  Once the elation wore off, I sat and thought about it...and I'm getting paid almost NOTHING.  I mean, it's far more than the $0 I had before, but I can't live off this.

I'll deal in round numbers for this.

I'm basically getting around $400/month.  I...can't live on that.  The cheapest rent around is twice that, plus I need to be able to pay bills and buy food for myself!! D:  Even if I were to save up my money for an extended amount of time, then move out...I would STILL be paying more than I would be RECEIVING, and would therefor STILL end up on the street, just a little later.

I wonder if I can appeal to the Social Security office for more money...I hope they don't take away what benefits I have for even asking!  Can they do that??  :'(

Service Dog - Extremely Anxious

It's too soon to decide whether I'm "anxious excited" or "anxious afraid"...perhaps a little of both.  With my fiance's tax returns this year, getting a service dog has become largely more possible...  I'm terrified.  Do I dare to hope?  I will certainly skip a convention this year, if it means we can buy her outright.  I'm so scared, though...

Do we have the funds for training, as well?  We must figure that out.  I really wanted to move out before getting her, but Social Security hasn't updated me yet.  We could see if his parents will hire someone to clean the house...that might work at first...but it would be so much better to have her in an environment without so many complications. :(  My heart refuses to calm!!  I wish Grandmother was here...I wanted her to meet my service dog before she passed away.  She was very supportive of me when I first brought it up, almost a year ago.  It seemed like she was the only one, at the time.

I'm so scared...I'll try to figure it out, and keep you posted. <3

The Inevitable has Occurred...

I mentioned that I have a grandmother suffering from cancer.  I haven't had the heart to post anywhere, or talk to anyone, but...she has passed away.  Her heart stopped at around 4:30 AM March 8, 2014.  I still can't believe it.

I'm still in shock and only at the beginning of the stages of grief.  I'm mostly stuck in utter denial, emotionally, despite having accepted her death from a logical standpoint.  I have moments of anger and frustration, which I take out on myself.  They come in sudden, violent bursts where I start sobbing out of nowhere, and often start hitting my head like I think I'm an idiot.  Not suffering such a state at this time, I can't quite grasp what goes through my head when it happens.  I've been very touchy, since it happened, and quick to anger.  I'm trying to be sweet and loving, and probably seem pretty bipolar. :P

This has been very emotionally exhausting, and despite my best efforts, I have not been able to get my sleep cycle under control.  I woke up yesterday at about 8:30 AM.  I might have gone back to sleep for a few hours after kissing my darling goodbye for work, but I don't quite remember.  I was up at 11 AM ish, and visited my father in the computer room...

--Oh yeah, btw, I have been staying with him and my grandfather since it happened, barring a couple of days in the middle.  I will probably return home when Dad decides to go back to work, next week.  Until now, I didn't know how long I might be here.--

Back to my sleep problems.  I wasn't up for long before my body let me know that I needed to go back to bed.  This time, the culprit was a crippling migraine, not just my normal exhaustion.  I had planned to take some pain medication and sleep off the headache for just a few hours, but my alarm didn't go off.  So much for taking a nap! :P  I woke up a few times, falling right back asleep.  I got up at 7 PM to let my honey in; he was kind enough to fill my prescriptions for me, and bring them to me.  He stayed with me, and we cuddled and napped for a few hours until he had to return home to take care of his mother.  He left around 9 something PM.  I went back to bed, and woke up at around 1:30 AM, I think?  I'll be returning in a few hours at most.  We'll see if I can have a normal, healthy schedule long enough to actually spend some time with my grieving father... :(

It happened so recently that I still have dreams where she's alive.  Normally my dream self is aware of the living and the dead, and will remark on it.  For instance, I just awoke from a dream where my grandmother was alive (something I didn't really think to criticize), and my Uncle John had just woken up from an 11 year old coma!!  My dream self is off by a few years, I believe, but it's the thought that counts.  His first words to me were "where's the bathroom"!  He fell right back into life, and was very happy.  He was even a bit of a prankster!  He got along so well with my darling, and I was happy beyond belief.  Grandmother was ill in my dream, as she had been for so long, but she was well enough to be home with family.

It was a very pleasant dream; one which I would love to repeat in these troubled times.

Thank you for bearing with me during these long months of silence.  I'll will keep you updated when I am able.  I think I'll make another post soon about my disability, we'll see. <3

Supplemental Security Income

I almost forgot to post this!!  I went to the Social Security Administration the other day, and FINALLY applied for SSI.  It'll be a few months before I'm processed, and get my call to go in for evaluation.  I'm praying it goes well.  I'd much rather not have to go to court...oh God, my stage fright would KILL me........sad to say, such a thing might work in my favor, considering anxiety is the root of half my problems...

I'll try to keep you posted!

Forgiveness

I'm sitting in a Starbucks just off the road in the middle of the city.  My fiance was kind enough to take me with him to work today, since I was worried he would get into a wreck due to the icy roads.  He dropped me off, and went down the street to a customer's office.

Anyway, I'm sitting at a little table by the door (which wafts freezing cold air at me every time someone comes or goes!).  I'm in my wheelchair, I'm really thirsty, and I kinda have to pee...TMI, perhaps, but I can't leave all my stuff out--especially this laptop--while I go 'take care of business'.

As far as I can tell, there is only one handicapped parking space, and it sits right out the window before me.  I've watched people come and go from that space, some that didn't appear to need it.  I won't judge, as I of all people should know what it's like to suffer an unseen illness.  One lady admitted to me that she did in fact park there under false pretenses.  She saw me sitting here in my chair, and felt shame for what she had done.  Even though her car was acting up, and it was the closest open space to the door, she told me what she had done was wrong.

Of course I forgave her!  My policy is to forgive those who seek forgiveness with sincerity.  Sadly, it's led me to forgive repeat offenders, but at least they mean their apologies at the time.  We chatted for a short while before she left.  She asked about my illness, acknowledging that I did not have to answer, and I told her a little bit about it.  I didn't want to go on and on about all the problems I have, so I just mentioned the wheelchair-worthy part.  She was very kind, forward-thinking, and redeemable.  I said a prayer after she left that she safely reach her destinations.