It's too soon to decide whether I'm "anxious excited" or "anxious afraid"...perhaps a little of both. With my fiance's tax returns this year, getting a service dog has become largely more possible... I'm terrified. Do I dare to hope? I will certainly skip a convention this year, if it means we can buy her outright. I'm so scared, though...
Do we have the funds for training, as well? We must figure that out. I really wanted to move out before getting her, but Social Security hasn't updated me yet. We could see if his parents will hire someone to clean the house...that might work at first...but it would be so much better to have her in an environment without so many complications. :( My heart refuses to calm!! I wish Grandmother was here...I wanted her to meet my service dog before she passed away. She was very supportive of me when I first brought it up, almost a year ago. It seemed like she was the only one, at the time.
I'm so scared...I'll try to figure it out, and keep you posted. <3
Thursday, March 20, 2014
The Inevitable has Occurred...
I mentioned that I have a grandmother suffering from cancer. I haven't had the heart to post anywhere, or talk to anyone, but...she has passed away. Her heart stopped at around 4:30 AM March 8, 2014. I still can't believe it.
I'm still in shock and only at the beginning of the stages of grief. I'm mostly stuck in utter denial, emotionally, despite having accepted her death from a logical standpoint. I have moments of anger and frustration, which I take out on myself. They come in sudden, violent bursts where I start sobbing out of nowhere, and often start hitting my head like I think I'm an idiot. Not suffering such a state at this time, I can't quite grasp what goes through my head when it happens. I've been very touchy, since it happened, and quick to anger. I'm trying to be sweet and loving, and probably seem pretty bipolar. :P
This has been very emotionally exhausting, and despite my best efforts, I have not been able to get my sleep cycle under control. I woke up yesterday at about 8:30 AM. I might have gone back to sleep for a few hours after kissing my darling goodbye for work, but I don't quite remember. I was up at 11 AM ish, and visited my father in the computer room...
--Oh yeah, btw, I have been staying with him and my grandfather since it happened, barring a couple of days in the middle. I will probably return home when Dad decides to go back to work, next week. Until now, I didn't know how long I might be here.--
Back to my sleep problems. I wasn't up for long before my body let me know that I needed to go back to bed. This time, the culprit was a crippling migraine, not just my normal exhaustion. I had planned to take some pain medication and sleep off the headache for just a few hours, but my alarm didn't go off. So much for taking a nap! :P I woke up a few times, falling right back asleep. I got up at 7 PM to let my honey in; he was kind enough to fill my prescriptions for me, and bring them to me. He stayed with me, and we cuddled and napped for a few hours until he had to return home to take care of his mother. He left around 9 something PM. I went back to bed, and woke up at around 1:30 AM, I think? I'll be returning in a few hours at most. We'll see if I can have a normal, healthy schedule long enough to actually spend some time with my grieving father... :(
It happened so recently that I still have dreams where she's alive. Normally my dream self is aware of the living and the dead, and will remark on it. For instance, I just awoke from a dream where my grandmother was alive (something I didn't really think to criticize), and my Uncle John had just woken up from an 11 year old coma!! My dream self is off by a few years, I believe, but it's the thought that counts. His first words to me were "where's the bathroom"! He fell right back into life, and was very happy. He was even a bit of a prankster! He got along so well with my darling, and I was happy beyond belief. Grandmother was ill in my dream, as she had been for so long, but she was well enough to be home with family.
It was a very pleasant dream; one which I would love to repeat in these troubled times.
Thank you for bearing with me during these long months of silence. I'll will keep you updated when I am able. I think I'll make another post soon about my disability, we'll see. <3
I'm still in shock and only at the beginning of the stages of grief. I'm mostly stuck in utter denial, emotionally, despite having accepted her death from a logical standpoint. I have moments of anger and frustration, which I take out on myself. They come in sudden, violent bursts where I start sobbing out of nowhere, and often start hitting my head like I think I'm an idiot. Not suffering such a state at this time, I can't quite grasp what goes through my head when it happens. I've been very touchy, since it happened, and quick to anger. I'm trying to be sweet and loving, and probably seem pretty bipolar. :P
This has been very emotionally exhausting, and despite my best efforts, I have not been able to get my sleep cycle under control. I woke up yesterday at about 8:30 AM. I might have gone back to sleep for a few hours after kissing my darling goodbye for work, but I don't quite remember. I was up at 11 AM ish, and visited my father in the computer room...
--Oh yeah, btw, I have been staying with him and my grandfather since it happened, barring a couple of days in the middle. I will probably return home when Dad decides to go back to work, next week. Until now, I didn't know how long I might be here.--
Back to my sleep problems. I wasn't up for long before my body let me know that I needed to go back to bed. This time, the culprit was a crippling migraine, not just my normal exhaustion. I had planned to take some pain medication and sleep off the headache for just a few hours, but my alarm didn't go off. So much for taking a nap! :P I woke up a few times, falling right back asleep. I got up at 7 PM to let my honey in; he was kind enough to fill my prescriptions for me, and bring them to me. He stayed with me, and we cuddled and napped for a few hours until he had to return home to take care of his mother. He left around 9 something PM. I went back to bed, and woke up at around 1:30 AM, I think? I'll be returning in a few hours at most. We'll see if I can have a normal, healthy schedule long enough to actually spend some time with my grieving father... :(
It happened so recently that I still have dreams where she's alive. Normally my dream self is aware of the living and the dead, and will remark on it. For instance, I just awoke from a dream where my grandmother was alive (something I didn't really think to criticize), and my Uncle John had just woken up from an 11 year old coma!! My dream self is off by a few years, I believe, but it's the thought that counts. His first words to me were "where's the bathroom"! He fell right back into life, and was very happy. He was even a bit of a prankster! He got along so well with my darling, and I was happy beyond belief. Grandmother was ill in my dream, as she had been for so long, but she was well enough to be home with family.
It was a very pleasant dream; one which I would love to repeat in these troubled times.
Thank you for bearing with me during these long months of silence. I'll will keep you updated when I am able. I think I'll make another post soon about my disability, we'll see. <3
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